The Role of Apology in the Healing Process

Receiving an apology is an important part of the healing process. An apology offered and accepted is a profound interaction. Intent is an important ingredient. There are, one author suggests, in general, four motives for apologizing: To salvage or restore the relationship. To show empathy. To escape punishment. Or to relieve oneself of a guilty conscience. Obviously, the first two motives are the genuine ones, ones that come from the heart. With the right intent it includes the willingness to listen with compassion to the person who was hurt. It includes doing one's best to try to help repair some of the damage done.

Failing to apologize strains relationships, some beyond repair and this failure may create grudges and bitterness for a life time. We live in a culture of blame, denial and irresponsibility. It is common in relationships to not address the elephant of pain in the room. Not apologizing can destroy the relationship between two people, groups of people, and nations. First, we have to acknowledge there was a violation and then we must accept responsibility for it. We must name the offense.

It requires great strength to apologize, the strength to admit fault, failure, and weakness. A genuine apology requires suffering enough to express soul-searching regret. What makes apologies work is an exchange of shame and power between the offender and the offended. To apologize is to admit you didn't live up to your values, you did wrong.

I am sure we can all remember what it felt like to not get an apology from someone who hurt us. Perhaps we can also remember how it was to receive the words that put a warm blanket on the wound. An apology does not undo or excuse the wrong and there is no room for a "but" on the end of it. It is not about saying, "I am sorry, but ... (or whatever). An apology is an act of honesty, commitment, compassion, and courage.

Today is an opportunity to experience the door opening to healing, to hear validation of your pain, and to be supported in your journey of healing. May God bless the apologies, the givers of them and the receivers. Amen

Barbara Stamp

(with thanks for some ideas in an article by A. Lazare)

Home